…Don’t you do what your big sister done.
For anyone who grew up listening to your mom and grandma blast Elvis Presley like I did, you are familiar with this song. Maybe you listened to the Dwight Yoakam version instead, or maybe you have never heard it before. (It’s worth listening to, but do it later. Keep reading for now.) If you’ve never heard it before, it’s a song about a guy, probably a lovesick teenager, who had his heart broken by a girl and is now taking her younger sister on a date. The whole song is about his hope that the younger sister won’t break his heart, too, the hope that being sisters may be all they have in common.
My girls aren’t old enough to date. According to their dad, they’ll never be old enough to date. But I heard this song a few days ago and it got me thinking about the two girls we are raising. They are sisters, but that may be where their similarities end. As most people who have met them will tell you, our girls are as different as night and day. We like to say our oldest looks like my husband, but acts like me, and the youngest looks like me, but acts just like my husband. It has been relatively easy for us to treat them as individuals because they are so different from each other. I wonder, though, if it will be as easy for other people to see and appreciate their differences. As a younger sister, I know from experience how difficult it is being constantly compared to older siblings. My husband is an oldest child, so he was the measuring stick.
Our oldest often gets compliments for how kindhearted and gentle she is. She loves to read, loves school, is a peacemaker and (almost) always does exactly what’s asked of her. Our youngest, well, she tolerates school, prefers to play outside, is as feisty as they come and has to be told repeatedly what you need her to do. Our oldest makes me beam with pride and our youngest makes me laugh out loud. They really are both wonderful in their own right. But does everyone see that? Does my oldest take on the weight of the world naturally, or because she is reacting to her sister’s nonchalance? Does my youngest come by her inquisitive (borderline defiant) nature honestly, or because she is rebelling against being compared to her sister? I would like to think that they are free from comparisons and able to be their true selves all the time. I know that is not the case, though.
I hear them referred to as “Kate’s little sister” or “Lulu’s big sister” regularly. I hear people telling my youngest what her sister was like at her age. And it’s not just other people. I find myself doing this, too. As I sit down to do homework with the youngest, I think about how it was never this hard with the oldest. As I am trying to encourage my oldest to be more assertive, I think how she could take a lesson from her little sister on the subject. Every time I think these things, I try to remind myself that comparisons are no good for anyone. I don’t like being compared to the other moms at school. Surely my girls don’t need to be constantly compared to each other. How then do we celebrate their individuality? How do we tell our children that they are uniquely created to be exactly who they are and it is not important if they “measure up” to their siblings or friends or anyone else?
I don’t have all the answers to this. Maybe you have some ideas. Maybe you are great at celebrating your children’s individuality and can share some wisdom in the comments. I can just tell you what has worked for me so far. Parenting is a constant process of learning on your feet, of backing up and punting. Thus far I have learned to take their differences and frame them as strengths. Instead of saying, “Why do you argue with me over everything?”, I can say, “I love how you have such strong opinions.” Instead of saying, “Wouldn’t you like to wear what I picked out?”, I can say, “You definitely have your own sense of style.” This is not always easy and is not always the first thing that comes to my mind. With practice, however, it begins to happen more naturally.
Another thing I have learned to do is to spend individual time with each girl. My husband and I make a point of having “dates” with our daughters. On these dates, they can choose the restaurant, the activity, the topic for conversation. Spending this individual time with them allows them to step out from the shadow of their sibling for a time and allows us to get to know who they are, not just who they are in relation to their sister. If you haven’t tried having these one on one times with your children, I highly recommend it. I have learned my oldest is a homebody. She loves reading together, trying different types of hot tea, having long conversations and anything artistic. I have learned my youngest prefers to be on the move, her favorite restaurant is Panera and she loves any activity that involves my having to sign a waiver first.
I’m sure there are other ways to help them to feel confident in who they are as individuals while still reinforcing that they are an important part of the family unit. What works for you? If you don’t have children, perhaps you have siblings and can speak from that experience. For now I’m just going to try to continue to see their uniqueness as wonderful and remember to never, ever say “Little sister don’t you do what your big sister done.”