I come from a sentimental family. We all have family names. We have family traditions that go back several generations. We still get and give oranges in our stockings at Christmas time because, well, I don’t really know why, but it’s what you do because it is what we’ve always done. My parents live in a house that has room for three children even though none of their “children” have lived there in nearly 2o years because of the memories it contains – my first formal dance, my brother’s wedding, etc.
My husband comes from an even more sentimental family. His parents live in a house that is not the most convenient layout for them, but because it’s the house where my father-in-law was born. Nearly every piece of furniture in that house has a story of where it used to be, who made it, how many people have used it, etc. They pass down family heirlooms – I wear the wedding set that his grandfather bought his grandmother in the 1930’s. Oh, and my husband is the 3rd generation to have the same name. It was quite a blow to them when they realized that our having no sons would mean the name would not go on.
While we love and appreciate all of these things, my husband and I also enjoy making fresh starts, having spontaneity, changing things up. We will never give away the family rings and still use my great grandmother’s quilts in the winter time, but we don’t mind foregoing the family beach trip in favor of taking an excursion to somewhere we’ve never been. We both prefer giving away our daughters’ too small clothes to families that can use them rather than saving them for some hypothetical grandchildren down the road. We have lived in seven different apartments or houses since we’ve been together so we don’t get too attached to houses. Maybe the sentimental gene isn’t as pronounced with us. So, of course, it follows that our girls got a double whammy of the sentimental gene.
It seems if we do something one time, our oldest sets it in her mind as a tradition. Whenever I give either girl some small gift, a trinket or otherwise, they take it as a new heirloom to be treasured. We have literally had meltdowns in our house because the whoopie cushion broke and it’s so sad “…because you gave it to me mom, and now I’ll never remember what it looks like.” We have taken pictures of nearly every piece of artwork the girls brought home from school so that they will always remember what they did on the 3rd Thursday in February when they were 3 years old. Needless to say, this sentimental attachment to things has been a bone of contention in our house when it is time to clean out bedrooms or the playroom. This is a battle that sometimes we choose not to fight. Sometimes we keep a glitteriffic painted paper plate fish on the fridge for years because we don’t want to experience the tears that will come if we suggest throwing it out. (Yes, it’s there right now.) Sometimes, though, it’s a necessary task to undertake. This past weekend was one of those times.
Our playroom needed an overhaul. We had games that have been missing parts for years. We had dress up clothes that were 3 sizes too small for anyone in our house. We had Barbie dolls missing heads and My Little Ponies with no tails. My husband and I anticipated a long “discussion” with our girls as we set about this task. We mentally prepared ourselves for the push back we would get as we encouraged them to clean out. Surprisingly it wasn’t quite the dreaded chore we anticipated. It did take us close to three hours and both of us were sweating by the time we finished, but overall things went smoothly. There was no arguing over what was considered trash and what wasn’t. There was no disagreement when we said clothes were too small. There was accord in the playroom and it was lovely. In fact, our youngest drove with me to take some of the gently used toys to another family with younger children and was cheerful about the toys finding a new home. It was a new experience for us.
I’ve been mulling over this experience and trying to figure out just what it was that made this time around easier for both our girls and us. What made it okay this time to just “Let It Go”? As I thought about it, I realized there were a few factors that probably contributed to this going so much more smoothly than previous attempts. I thought I would share these with you in hopes they may help you, too, as you are encouraging your own children to clean up.
First of all, we talked about the task for several weeks before we actually attempted it. Our girls knew that the day was coming when we would ask them to help go through their treasures. They were able to mentally prepare. The cleaning out was not a punishment. It was not a reaction to anything other than simply needing to be done. They weren’t being asked to throw things out because they don’t take care of them or weren’t cleaning up after themselves. I think the task not being sprung on them in the moment helped. When it came time to clean up, they were ready.
Secondly, they were a part of something bigger. Yes, some items made it into a trash pile. In fact, a lot of things made it into the trash pile. But just as many things were set aside to donate – some to a local charity and some to friends. The girls loved talking about who would get to play with their beloved toys next. They loved imagining the smiles on the faces of children they knew playing in all of the dress up clothes. I think that framing the clean up as a way for them to help make other people happy was very helpful. It wasn’t as much about them not having items, but rather about them helping other children get new things. If you have a child who struggles to let go, then maybe this would work for them.
Lastly, Mom and Dad were all in on the task. Instead of sending the girls to the playroom to clean up their own messes, we committed to helping them with it. For the entirety of the three hours it took to accomplish, the four of us were together. We made decisions as a family. We asked the girls’ opinions about things. We worked beside them and talked them through the process. We took turns going to get trash bags and we talked together about which of their friends might like certain toys they were willing to part with. It actually became a nice family afternoon. I noticed the girls parted more easily with “things” when they were doing it with people they loved.
I don’t know that all of these things will work for you and your children. But chances are, if you have sentimental children, at least one of them may help. I know that we will still battle the instincts our girls have to hold on to things. I am not so naive as to think that every clean up from here on out will be smooth. But I have learned some things I can do to help my children to just “Let It Go” and I hope they help you, too.
The “Before” Picture