Just say no…to hugs!
Wait, what?! Hugs? Surely I meant to type drugs instead of hugs. After all, Just Say No is the 80’s catch phrase we are all used to hearing regarding the War on Drugs. But, no. I meant hugs. As the holiday season is quickly approaching, we need to empower our children to set their own personal boundaries, and this is a great way to do it. Teach them to “Just Say No.”
There are a ton of holiday themed memes circulating right now as well as dozens of articles on how to survive the holidays. For many people this time of year is stressful. Spending extended amounts of time with family can cause anxiety. Our children are not exempt from these feelings. They are often times thrown into unfamiliar situations with extended family members and friends they don’t know and we just expect them to adjust and be okay. Everyone has that great aunt at their family gatherings who insists on hugging all of the kids and covering their faces with lipstick. We all have had the urge to grab up the youngest of the bunch and get extra squeezes in because we haven’t seen them in months, or won’t see them for months after this. But how often do we stop and consider how our children feel about this? Some children are natural huggers. They love the extra cuddles and hugs and attention from distant relatives. But not all children are this way. My daughters, for example, are not. While they are extremely affectionate at home, any time you take either of them out of familiar surroundings, they need time to adjust. And we, as adults, need to be aware of this and respect it.
We have taught our daughters that it is always okay to say no to hugs, no matter the circumstances. We want them to know that they have the right to say no to any touch that makes them uncomfortable, even if this comes from close family members. This is part of a larger lesson we are trying to instill in them about their bodies being their own and no one else’s. This includes discussions about good touching and bad touching, about doctor visits and about them being able to set the rules for their own comfort. We can’t preach this to them all year long and then let it fly out the window at holiday time just because we don’t want to offend anyone. Children need to know that you support their choices and boundaries no matter who is involved. So, if grandma insists on hugging the grandkids even though they’ve made it clear they don’t want to be hugged, it is our job as parents to step in and show them we support their boundaries. If great uncle wants to pick them up in a big bear squeeze and they don’t feel comfortable, give them the voice to say no. And make sure the adults around your children understand that no really does mean no.
No, we are not usually concerned about abuse or any type of molestation at family meals, but if you discount your children’s feelings at family events, how will they know when their boundaries should be respected or when it’s okay for them to be disregarded. I have witnessed family members with the best of intentions try to guilt children into giving them affection. Seemingly harmless phrases like, “Don’t you love me and want to give me hugs?” or “I haven’t seen you in so long, you need to make up for all those missed snuggles,” really can be harmful to children’s psyche. It’s confusing. They’ve gotten the message at home that they are in charge of their bodies and setting boundaries, yet people they know and trust are telling them that they are owed affection or are equating not wanting to hug to not caring for them. These mixed messages can be confusing for adults, so of course they are even more so for our children.
As you approach the holiday season and prepare for the parties and celebrations that ensue, be sure to reiterate to your children that their bodies are in fact their own and the boundaries they set should be respected, no matter who is involved. If you see your children being pressured into hugging relatives or friends or caught up in an embrace that they are struggling to escape, intervene. Help them. Remind the adults around them that while their touch may be well-intentioned, not all adults are so harmless and you are teaching your children life lessons. Support your children and give them the power to just say no.