No one can replace a mom or a dad. Now, I am well aware that not everyone has the traditional family at home. Stepparents, grandparents raising grandchildren, foster families – all of these are wonderful. But let’s be real – there is no true replacement for a loving mom and an involved dad. Sometimes, however, mom and dad just can’t be present for everything. Even those of us that live in a traditional home – mom, dad, two children, pets – find it difficult to always be there for our children. As a teacher, I find this particularly true around the holidays. I miss out on so many of my own children’s activities because I am with my students. So, if you can’t be present at all of your children’s events, what (or who) is the next best thing?
I’m sure you will have many answers for this. Our villages are usually filled with friends that step in and take pictures of our kid at field day or make sure that someone paints our child’s face at the Christmas party when we can’t be there. I know I have a few friends who are always willing to stand in my place and treat my children as their own, and they will never know how thankful I am for them. But even then, they are still someone else’s mommy or someone else’s daddy.
Having chosen to move “back home” to a small town after having children, my husband and I are getting the privilege of raising our daughters with grandparents nearby. This is not an experience either of us grew up having and it is not without some complications. (Families are always complicated, no matter how perfect they appear on Facebook.) But despite some kinks that have had to be worked out, our girls are truly benefiting from having them nearby. Just last week, our oldest was in her school Social Studies Bee. She was one of 29 students competing and only the top 8 would be moving on in the competition. It was scheduled for 2 o’clock on a Wednesday. I would be in class, and teachers know that you don’t take time off the last week before a break no matter how understanding your principal is. My husband had planned to go and was then called away for an extended family emergency at the last minute. I was heartbroken. She needed someone in the audience supporting her. Not someone else’s someone, but her very own someone. And then, her grandparents stepped in. Not only did they go, but they videoed the competition and sent me text updates after each round of questions. I loved getting the play by play – “clear through the fourth round,” “only 14 still in,” “she missed a tough one, but is good through round nine.” I did have friends there watching their own children compete and I know they were cheering her on, too, but she and I were both so thankful that when her dad and I couldn’t be there, she had the next best thing. She ended up making the cut and will move on to the next level of competition. Her dad and I are so proud of her and my parents, her grandparents, get to share in that, too.
This is just one of many examples of how having grandparents nearby is great. We experience it in attendance at weekday basketball games, dance recitals and special dinner dates. Both of my parents grew up with extended family nearby. My own father often reminisces about his grandmother pretty much raising he and his cousins as they would always go to her house after school. My mother talks about her 31 first cousins that were like siblings to her – yes, there really are that many of them. It is very different to hear about what it is like and then to experience it for yourself. It is not feasible for everyone to live near family. Sometimes it is not even a good or healthy thing. But, when and if you can make it work, I encourage you to do so. Whatever your relationship may be like with your parents (I assure you that mine is not always butterflies and rainbows, although sometimes it is), your children benefit beyond measure from having the next best thing around.
Nan and Opa with the girls at Nutcracker.
Side note: This is not meant to slight anyone who has out of town grandparents. We have a set of those, too, and they are wonderful in their own way. This is also not devaluing having other significant adults in your children’s lives. Family friends are great and our girls have several adults who love them and whom they love and we are thankful for them.