I loved listening to “Oldies” music with my mom in the car when I was younger. Fox 97.1 out of Atlanta was always on and I was introduced at a very young age to Smokey Robinson, The Temptations, The Mamas and the Papas, Marvin Gaye and many more fantastic artists and songs from the 1950’s and 60’s. Big Girls Don’t Cry was always one of my favorite songs. My mom and I regularly sang along to it in the car. It was cemented in my mind after my elementary PE teachers had us “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” with Richard Simmons. It reached epic song status for me when it was prominently featured on an episode of 90210 in my teen years. Everyone knows the chorus in the song, but does anyone really pay attention to the end? In the final verse of the song, it is revealed that big girls do, in fact, cry. They are not as tough as initially thought.
I have cried many times as an adult. I have cried with joy, out of frustration, in anger and from a depth of sadness I didn’t know was possible. My husband will tell you that I am a cryer. I often cry while watching television shows and there is a particularly heartwarming story line. I cry at commercials that feature babies and puppies. I cry while watching Steel Magnolias, even though I’ve probably seen it close to 50 times. It is cathartic for me. I have also noticed that it is good for my daughters when I cry. In a world that tells us that we need to portray ourselves as perfectly held together on social media, our children need to know that expressing emotions is okay. Not just okay, but healthy.
Sometimes we, as parents, feel the need to always be tough for our kids. I remember the first time I saw my dad cry – I was eleven and his father had just died. That moment is etched in my memory, not because he appeared weak, but because he became human for me then. He was always Super Dad – could do anything, be anything, know everything. After I saw him cry, he was still super, but he was super human. As moms to daughters, it is especially important that our children learn to show emotion, to say how they feel and to be validated in their feelings. They need to see crying not as a form of weakness or an inappropriate display of emotion, but as an outlet for their very real, very valid feelings.It is not always easy, and sometimes you do have to hold it in, but when something awful or completely wonderful happens in your family, share that sorrow or that joy openly with your children.
We had our beloved dog, Lily, put down last Summer. Our girls had literally grown up with her. They both learned to walk by grabbing on to her collar while she stood up. She was a gentle giant and it was sad to let her go. We cried together on her last night with us. We cried out of sadness and we cried through laughter as we fed her marshmallows and bacon and cheese and all of her favorite foods we usually wouldn’t let her have. When it came time to take her to the vet, I went with her alone. Our girls weren’t ready to experience that part of it. They did, however, get a chance to express their full range of emotions through tears as a family. And over the next year, they have both cried on occasion from missing her and cried when remembering something funny she did. Knowing that “big girls do cry” has made it okay for them to cry, too. Seeing their dad and I express our emotions has helped them to learn to express theirs in a productive way.
Be strong for your children, but don’t be so tough that they don’t know what to do with their own feelings. Share the whole range of emotions with them in a way that validates their feelings and allows them to process them in a healthy way. Sometimes the best way to cry is with someone else. They need to know that big girls (and boys) do cry.
“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.” ~Truvy, Steel Magnolias