Today is a day to be remembered. It is the day during which our whole country takes time to pause and (hopefully) reflect on the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. It is necessary that we do this. It is especially important during the current political climate that we educate ourselves on what once did and still does divide us. For me, however, this day is about something much more personal.
Eight years ago today, my husband and I were in the hospital emergency room dealing with what would be our last of several miscarriages. Eight years ago, I was looking into the eyes of my then 3 year old trying to keep her from being frightened about just how bad Mommy’s tummy ache was that made it to where she was going to stay with grandparents so Daddy could take me to the hospital. Eight years ago I was feeling the devastating blow of all the hopes and dreams I had for a second child being swept out the door. Even though I knew exactly what was happening with my body, I was holding out hope that the doctor would tell me I was wrong, that everything was really okay and this pregnancy would carry on normally. That didn’t happen.
There has been a lot of information trending lately on social media about the politically correct terminology to use involving miscarriages. Pregnancy loss, spontaneous abortion, miscarriage…everyone trying to give name to something horrible to make it seem more compassionate than it really is. To be honest, I could care less what name you give it. It doesn’t offend me to hear one term used over another. There is nothing you can say that can possibly make that day any worse than it already was. When a couple experiences this kind of event, it can take you to a very dark place. I was depressed and feeling like a failure as a mother. My husband was feeling helpless in his inability to “fix it” and just trying to do whatever he could that would give me any comfort. January 21st will always be a day of reflection for me. And having come out on the other side of things, I have good news to offer to anyone in a similar situation – there is life after loss.
Through a lot of medical procedures and treatments and in God’s perfect timing, we did eventually have another baby. Although I often think about what our life would be like if we had the other babies, I can not imagine my life without her. Without minimizing the importance of those other pregnancies, I can say without hesitation that she makes our family complete. She and her sister are the children I was destined to raise.
To celebrate the long weekend, each of our daughters had friends over to spend the night last night. We took a rambunctious group of girls to dinner and a movie and were eventually able to get them all to sleep. This morning I got to have a special breakfast date with the two youngest. While I am typing this, there are four girls upstairs putting on makeup, playing XBox, making crafts and I’m hearing the most wonderful kinds of noises trickle down the stairs. Our house is full of the voices of happy children, some ours and some not, and I know that I have a deeper appreciation for this because of the loss we have experienced. I know that without these experiences I would take for granted so much of what our daily life is about. My life, our lives, are richer for all of the pains we have suffered. There is life after loss.
Some days are easier than others. Sometimes life keeps me so busy that I can’t imagine it any other way. Some days I am more pensive and reflective. I know I am not alone in this. Anyone who has had similar experiences knows the overwhelming feelings that stay with you – sometimes they are easily managed and sometimes they engulf you like a wave. I am fortunate that I have two healthy, happy girls. Some people don’t know the feeling of ever carrying a pregnancy to term. My loss is not any easier or more difficult than theirs – it is mine. It is not “better to lose a baby at 10 weeks versus 20 weeks” as I have been told. You don’t grieve less based on which trimester you were in when it happened. Loss is a very personal thing as is the grieving process. It can’t be rushed. And it doesn’t matter what name you give it, it hurts the same. Some of the latest research shows that one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. Chances are good that if you haven’t had this experience, one or several people you know have.
It may not seem like it in the moment, but time helps the healing process. Life continues on even if it’s not how you imagined it and even when it doesn’t unfold the way you planned. Sometimes our greatest blessings come out of our biggest trials. Seek out the support of others. Be a support for your friends. Look for the good all around you. Count your blessings. Acknowledge that you are the person you are because of the trials you have faced. And eventually you, too, will realize that there is life after loss.
Perfect timing Mary Lynn. I needed this today. Thank you for sharing. 😘
Mary Lynn,
I am so very thankful that I knew from a young age that I would not be able to have biological children of my own, because so many struggle with infertility/miscarriage and don’t know why. Since Turner’s Syndrome has a very high miscarriage rate, I am also blessed that God allowed me to be one of the roughly 1 in 2,000-2,500 females with the condition that actually make it to being born; my mom miscarried between my older brother and I, and my diagnosis at birth was remarkable for 1965 (pre-ultrasound), lol! I appreciate your sharing your story, and I understand that it is still a subject that many would rather not think/talk about, because it’s uncomfortable and they are at a loss as to what to say. It’s important to seek support from those who have experienced the same thing and have people you can confide in; being brave enough to offer your perspective goes a long way in that regard. It’s still a struggle, especially now that I’m getting older to realize that I’m not going to have much family around, and also in relating to all those of my age who have had children and are now starting to enjoy grandchildren, because I would never begrudge anyone the joy children can bring to your life as you wonderfully described. God expects us to make the most of the life He gives us here on earth and not get bogged down (no pity party here!), because I know I can look forward to having my brother or sister waiting for me when I get to heaven!