So, I haven’t written anything for two months. Well, at least not anything that I’ve published on here. But it has been an eventful two months to say the least, worthy of several blog posts. I honestly got so overwhelmed with what I wanted to write, that I just had to have some process time, so I took a step back from the blogging world to just think. And now I’m finally ready to share about what the past few months have been like for me and my family.
My husband and I have a 5 year old and a 10 year old. We are fortunate that between the two of us, we still have three living grandmothers. Our daughters know their great grandmothers and get to spend a fair amount of time with them. With their ages being 90, 88 and 85, we have been trying to prepare our daughters for the probability that they won’t be permanent fixtures in their lives, but talking about life and death with young children can be difficult. Neither of our daughters have ever been to a funeral. When my husband and I have attended funerals, we have always had sitters, friends or other family members to stay with them. Everybody has an opinion about this: some people think we are taking the right approach by sheltering them in this way, while others have voiced their concerns that our girls are “too protected”. Ultimately, every parent knows their own child and just has to make a judgment call about when to introduce discussions about life and death. This decision was partially taken out of our hands mid-March when my 34 year old first cousin, Drew, died unexpectedly. We had been slowly preparing our girls for losing older family members when we were blind sided by the death of such a young, vibrant, intelligent person.
I’m sure many of you are like me and probably have cousins that you haven’t even met. Large extended families tend to be the norm in the South. This was not the case here. Between my brothers and my first cousins, we are all stair stepped in ages, every other year. There are seven of us in total, and we grew up spending every holiday, Spring Break and Summer vacation together. When Drew passed away, there was never a question about whether we would attend the funeral. We knew that time of day, day of the week and travel time would not matter. What we were unsure of is whether the girls would go with us or not. This is not what we had been prepping them for, not in the least. The death of a child (and yes, even at 34, he was a child) is the most unnatural one there can be. It is the only death that falls outside of the natural order of things. It is one from which, I have been told, a parent never fully recovers. As it turns out, it is also the death that is the hardest to explain to your own children. Up until this point, my girls knew that people died, they knew it happened in God’s timing and they knew that it happened when people were old and sick. I could not find the right words to explain how this was possibly God’s timing and how it could happen when someone was young and healthy. It was hard enough for me to process all of this, much less break it down into child friendly terms. After much deliberation on our part and after hearing the opinions of all of our family, we decided not to take the girls to the funeral. This was multi-faceted. This allowed them to be sheltered for just a little bit longer, and it allowed us time to grieve and mourn away from their watching and wondering eyes. It also allowed us time to comfort my aunt, uncle and other family without worrying about temper tantrums, bedtimes and the like. This was totally our decision and we felt it was best for our girls. It is not what is best for everyone in every situation.
As it turns out, I was able to deliver the eulogy for my dear cousin, a task which I was honored to do, but not one I could have completed with my daughters watching me. I know, I practiced with them as my audience. We were also afforded this choice because some dear friends stepped in and took our girls overnight while we traveled. Since our return, we have had several conversations about life and death with our daughters. We’ve been able to discuss with them how our Christian beliefs impact our view of death, and we’ve been able to help them process their own grief in a healthy and age appropriate way.
I am not sure when the next family funeral will take place. No one can be sure. I do have a feeling that there will be a time in the not too distant future when we will find it necessary to take our girls to a funeral for a loved one. I just hope and pray at that time that they are as prepared as they can be. Until then, we will continue to expose them to the facts of life and death as easily and as best as we know how.
If any of you have any opinions or tips on this, I am more than open to hearing them. Please leave a comment and let me know any pointers on this topic. I know we are all just doing the best we can.
When I was 16, my oldest cousin passed, unnaturally, at 23. This has always deeply affected me in too many ways to explain. Just one thing; he was a Navy man, so it was a full military funeral. That fact alone should speak volumes about my experience. Let me tell you, though, you and Miller do as you please with your kids. That’s why they are YOURS, well, and God’s too. And only for now, they are yours, enjoy the good moments, tolerate the difficult moments but SAVOR every single one. I know you do!!